Friendships
Prov. 17:17
How many
close friends do you have? Most
of us have dozens if not hundreds of acquaintances but how many close friends
do you have? a trusted friend?
Someone you can open up with and know you won’t be ridiculed, embarrassed,
or put down but they will listen. Someone
who would call or talk to you if they had a major issue. People who will cry
with you and rejoice with you. How
many close friends do you have in that category? These are the people that
will influence your life.
One of the
most often asked questions that I am asked after who does your hair is this:
Pastor, how can I find a friend? I’m
lonely. I don’t have any friends. I know a lot of people –but no one that
I can really open up and share the deep things of my heart.
Think of one
of the greatest moments of your life. As
you remember them, a smile comes to your face, a sense of joy fills your
heart. My guess is that the vast
majority if not all of those experiences are moments you shared with another
individual and not just by yourself. WHY?
We have been created to live in fellowship with one another. We long
for intimacy because we are made in the image of God who is a perfect
illustration of intimacy as God the Father, Son, Holy Spirit. We all need community.
Gen.
2:18 God says it is not good for man to live alone.
Text we normally
associate with marriage but 40% of the adults over 18 are
not married and this doesn’t mean you are left out. In a broader sense, this passage applies to all of us.
The longing
to love and be loved is universally. From
the first moments that we lifted our arms to be cradled by our mothers to the
last moments when a loved one wiped our brow as the shadow of death creeps
over us, we long to know that we matter to someone else.
This is true physically
Ecc. 4:9-12
Ever try to
move from one place to another by yourself.
You will discover 50% of your friends have bad backs.
Video games
have changed this illustration but most games require someone else to play
with you.
Help one
another.
This is true emotionally Prov. 17;17 “A friend loves
at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
When times
are tough and you don’t have a friend, it multiples your agony.
This church is great about surrounding families members when there is a
death.
Yes, there
are some physical things we can do but those pale in comparison to the
emotional support we offer.
You will not
go through life without some times of disappointment and pain.
You need a friend.
This is true spiritually
James 5:16 “confess
your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed.”
Spiritually God ordained the church that we could live
in community with one another sharing a common vision as part of the family of
God.
Dietrich
Bonhoeffer says: “the more
isolated a person is, the more destructive will be the power of sin over him,
and the more deeply he becomes involved in sin, the more disastrous is his
isolation.” It becomes a self
fulfilling prophecy.
There is a
powerful healing magnetism in the understanding that someone else is there for
you – to comfort you – to encourage you – and to lift you up when you
fall.
So that’s
the theology but what about the practical part of this: how do you find a good friend? If you need a friend and you
will diligently follow these steps – within three years you will have a
friend – not overnight. If you
don’t, you need to look at yourself because you are the problem.
Step
One: Introduction
We meet people
– now here is a real revelation for you – without people you won’t have
any friends. If you aren’t
willing to meet new people you have a 0% chance of developing a friendship
with them.
During this
introduction stage, we are friendly and pleasant but not ready to open up the
deeper things in our life.
For many of
you meeting new people is very awkward and difficult. You are thinking: what
do they think of me? Do I look
nice? Did I say the right thing?
Is my breath OK? Rather than risk embarrassment, you isolate yourself.
I have embarrassed myself more times than I can count – (give
examples) get over it if you want friends.
Relationships
just don’t happen – we have to take the initiative in reaching out to
people. Even in the most friendly
of environments, you have to reach out to connect.
Friendships
aren’t forced, they are developed.
Many
individuals have been hurt, betrayed, and lied to in previous relationships
and they are gun shy. It’s been
painful. So they have decided to
not expose themselves to that situation again.
David tells us in Psalm
55:12: “if it were an enemy that insulted me, I could understand, but it’s
you, my companion and my friend.” Hurts from a friend sting the most.
In this
introduction stage, we often have the inkling to judge people before we know
them. Then when they tell us
their story and each of us has a story – we begin to understand them.
When we
discover the past pain in someone’s life, then we begin to understand why
they lash out with caustic comments.
When we hear
how they have been deceived by someone then we begin to understand why they
have trouble trusting.
It’s
easy to demonize people as long as we keep them at arms length from us.
Many people do that with individuals of a different color, race, background or
religion than ourselves. When we
get to know them, we discover they have similar needs, struggles, issues and
it begins to break down the barriers.
Second:
investigation
The
development of friendships takes a long time.
It took Jesus 3 years to develop 12 close friends.
People with a casual flippancy about moving quickly into deep
relationships are either flaming extroverts who have never met a stranger or
people who have never been wounded.
Friendships
happen incrementally.
More often than not, friendships develop one small step at a time.
It’s why we encourage our young people not to jump into marriage too
quickly because that is the most important friendship you have and it takes
time to develop compatibility. The usually totally ignore you – but you can still warn
them.
Developing
friendship is an exploration process. As
you reach out to people you are attempting to discover common
ground and interests. The more passionate you are about your interest, the
greater depth of your friendship. It is one of the reasons most of my close
friends are from the church because we are passionate about our love for
Christ. Even if we don’t have
other things in common, that is our common denominator.
Do
they like similar things that I do? Do
we feel comfortable around them? Do they have the same value system that I do?
The more common interests the greater your opportunity to find a
friend. If you see around and watch tv all day and never take an interest in
anything – you have a very narrow range of conversation topics, it will be
difficult to develop new friends.
As you get to
know them, there will be a flaw uncovered – I have a couple myself – so do
you. We are all in the as is bin. That’s the
damaged merchandise pile. We all
have flaws, inconsistencies, and annoyances. As believers we are in the
process of being formed into the image of Christ but none of us are there yet.
Now
we ask even though they are imperfect - Is this a safe person? Not
all people are safe. Some have
ulterior motives, some can’t be trusted, some will try to fool you.
How do we
know if this is a safe person? There
are some things you need to look for in those who would be a close friend or a
spouse. As I share this with you,
think about yourself, are you a safe person as a friend?
Characteristics of safe people
1.
admit their weaknesses are
willing to take responsibility for those weaknesses.
2.
forgiving people lack
of forgiveness produces bitterness which poisons friendships
3.
keep secrets
4.
positive influence
5.
tell you the truth Prov.
27:6 says: “wounds from a
friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Receive
the truth without becoming defensive but evaluate it to see if it really is
true.
Step
Three Investment
If the
investigation stage produces a safe person with whom you have common interests
then we move to the next stage which is investment.
Friends are
people you want to invest in. If
you want a friend you have to be willing to give up some things: If not Then
you probably won’t have many friends.
You
have to give up some time.
You
have to give up resources
You
have to give up preferences.
Friendships
build on shared experiences. We
focus on their positive points and emphasize them in our relationship.
We begin to pray for them, spend time with them, trust them, laugh with
them and encourage them and pretty soon we have built a friendship.
You don’t always get your first choice on those experiences.
Men – sometimes you have to go shopping – women – sometimes you
have to watch a ball game.
In our
welcome class, we spend the entire first week just introducing ourselves –
one of the hardest things to do in a new group – bible study, church, school
or a club is that everyone has shared experiences that you don’t have.
When you start with the group, they are referencing things you don’t
know. Until you can develop shared memories you won’t develop friends.
Carole’s
class reunion at Asbury
In developing
wholesome spiritual experiences the bible talks about the various “one
another” passages. It tells us
that members of God’s family should pray . . . encourage . . .love . . .
forgive . . . bear one another’s burdens
There is a
joining together of lives which benefits both parties. It is the very opposite
of an abusive situation where one persons needs are met at the expense of
another.
Conclusion:
Can you imagine
how wonderful this life would be if in our interrelatedness with one another,
we always treated each other with respect, dignity, warmth, forgiveness,
truth, love, and understanding.?
Children
would be safe
Marriages
would flourish
Palestinian
and Israeli children would play together
The tabloids
would go broke
Teachers
could actually teach a lesson without having to discipline half the class
People would
be free to ask questions
Marketplace
would be truthful
The churches
would be full.
Can you
imagine? Can we start with you?
Are you a
worthy friend?